Faux-sassin Charged with Attempted Assassination Of Trump

View from his 'nest' shows just how close he was.

Last week, the news of the DOJ bringing fresh charges against the Faux-sassin was overshadowed by the media frenzy surrounding the letter presented as evidence during the bail hearing.

When the Faux-sassin was arrested on September 16th, the initial charges were possession by a felon and having the serial number scratched off. The new charging document, filed on September 24th, lists five counts:

1. Attempted assassination of a major presidential candidate,

2. Possessing a firearm in furtherance of a crime of violence,

3. Assaulting a federal officer,

4. Felon in possession of a firearm and ammunition,

5. Possession of a firearm with an obliterated serial number.

The day before, on September 23rd, the DOJ filed a proffer, or an offer of proof, in advance of the detention hearing, explaining why they felt he should be held in jail without bond. It was in this proffer filing that the media found the letter he wrote offering money (money he doesn’t have) to anyone who would finish what he started.

One could argue that by releasing the contents of the letter the way they did, the DOJ effectively helped the Faux-sassin put a bounty on the former president. Personally, I think the unredacted letter should have been filed under a seal, and the DOJ should have filed a redacted version publicly. The first sentence, where he admits that he wanted to off Trump, is all the evidence needed to keep him in jail; there was no reason to include his offer in a public filing.

We redacted out the bounty offer, as the DOJ should have done before releasing it to the public.

Also in the proffer was information the FBI gleaned from the suspect’s multiple cell phones. When he was stopped, police found six cell phones as well as two other license plates, his passport, his Hawaiian ID, 12 pairs of gloves, a list of when and where Trump was supposed to appear from August through October, and a notebook filled with his ramblings about Ukraine. One of the phones had been used to research escape routes to Mexico. Based on the location data of at least two of the phones, it seems the attempted assassin had been stalking the area around the golf course and Mar-a-Lago for about a month.

At the detention hearing on September 23rd, the Faux-sassin’s court-appointed lawyer tried to argue that the letter, written months in advance, should be evidence that he never intended to succeed — thus, this was all just a publicity stunt. She also brought up his efforts to help Ukraine, which is hilarious because everyone who met this guy in Ukraine tried to warn officials in all sorts of American and Ukrainian government departments that he was bad news. But, in typical fashion, the Biden/Harris admin refused to follow up on the reports. In fact, one woman who had dealt with him in Ukraine, upon learning of his arrest, simply said, “That tracks.”

The prosecution brought in FBI Agent Hull, who testified to all of the information in the proffer. He also mentioned that a second letter, addressed to the New York Times, was found in the “nest” he had made. That letter was not offered into evidence or made public.

Judge McCabe ordered the Faux-sassin held without bail. In his order, he referenced the dude’s lengthy criminal history, including over a hundred arrests and multiple convictions for weapons, as well as his extensive travel overseas.

The New York Post sent a photographer to the golf course to show us just where the guy was sitting and how close he got. The Faux-sassin had a direct line of sight about 90 yards from the green on Hole 6. It is estimated that had the agents sweeping the area not spotted him, Trump would have walked past him 15 minutes later.

The Faux-sassin appeared in court Monday morning and pled not guilty to all charges.

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Lorraine Yuriar is a wife, mother, and lifelong conservative, currently stuck in a very blue state.